To everything there is a season . . .

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

-Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

These verses have so much meaning for me, in 2 different respects. The first is somewhat . . . well, I don't want to say silly, because it represents a turning point in my life. But some might view it as silly. I don't care.

In the movie Forrest Gump, Jenny and her hippie friends sing a song with those words in it from those verses. Throughout the movie, Forrest and Jenny remain friends, developing their love for each other, and finally marry. After Jenny dies, there is a scene in the movie where Forrest is sitting by her grave, telling her how much he misses her, how much their son misses her and reminds him of her, and just grieving her loss. During my hospital stay, one evening a group of us were watching this movie during free time. When it got to the scene of Forrest at Jenny's grave, it hit me. If I took my own life, this would be Justin, kneeling at my graveside, grieving my loss, expressing his deep endless sadness and telling me how much my precious Allie misses me and will never get the opportunity to know me. How I will miss her entire childhood, teenage years, adulthood.

And at that point, I knew I wanted to live. I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to end. And that was the turning point, when I knew I had to heal, make myself healthy, for my family's sake, but also for mine.

The second reason I love these verses is, each specific phrase applies to every aspect of these past 7 years.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under the heaven:

I may not understand why I've had to go through the events I've experienced in the past 7 years or so, but God had a purpose for it. I may not know what it is now, and I may never know, but I know it wasn't an accident or God forgetting about me. He had a purpose and it was part of his plan for my life.

a time to be born, and a time to die;

I was born on October 31, 1985, and I've always been super proud of the fact that I was born on Halloween. Not that I had any control over that, mind you, but I still enjoy that fact and have always taken full advantage of my birthday when trick or treating. The pain of what God allowed me to experience (a perspective that is fairly new to me, and I still struggle with) made me want to end my life, twice, enough to take actions to do so and, both times, landed me in the depression/suicide/mental health unit of the local psychiatric hospital. Thankfully, neither of those were my time to go, and family and friends arrived in time to help me.

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

Ahh, the journey of motherhood. Young minds are like sponges, and absorb anything and everything, even observations we don't know they pick up on. Through teaching Allie, both in actively teaching her, but also in how she sees me live my daily life, I'm planting the seeds that lay the foundation for how Allie (and any other future children) is going to experience life, make choices, develop morals and ethics, and learn how to deal with the ups and downs of life. When she is grown, hopefully I would've lived a life that is worthy of her looking at as a good example of how to live.

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

After I experienced what I did, it's like a part of me died inside. For the longest time, it felt like that emptiness and void would never be filled, leaving me feeling very much alone, unwanted, unlovable, with no hope of ever returning to the same person I used to be. And in a sense, I never will. As I've begun this journey, God has allowed me to slowly, very slowly and painstakingly, heal. It's been one of the hardest experiences of my life, almost as painful as the initial experiences that led to this. But I've discovered that while I will never be the same, I don't need to let my abuse define me. Rather than let it kill my soul, and slowly eat away at my will to live, I can let it strengthen me and teach me, and be more compassionate and empathetic toward others who may have experienced similar situations and struggles. Through healing, I am becoming whole again.

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

My abuser broke me down over a period of time. He caused me to lose hope, become isolated, feel alone, be fearful, and lose my will to fight anymore. Now that I have rid him of my life, and of the grip he held on my life, I can finally re-build my strength, confidence and life again.

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

People are emotional creatures, both men and women. You don't think men are emotional? Just go to a football game and observe men when their team is losing. Men are just as emotional as women. God created us with emotions so we can experience the full gamut of life. Emotions are not a bad thing; without them, life would be so dull. It's how we handle our emotions that is important. "Weeping may come in the night time, but joy comes in the morning." I can't even begin to count how many nights I cried, and cried, and cried. You would think I would run out of tears, but they just kept coming, trying to rid my heart of the intense aching, yet only draining me of emotion. On a daily basis, I plastered a smile to my face, went about my day, and smiled and laughed. No one could see how much I was hurting. Sometimes, the people with the biggest smiles are the ones with the deepest hurts. For the first time in 7 years, I am actually happy. I am content. I can laugh, and be truly laughing and smiling. It's still a struggle to not hide my hurt, and to put a smile on my face, but I"m learning to find the balance.

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

Sometimes, I look back on what I used to be, how unstoppable and independent I remember myself being, and yearn to be like that again. I mourn for the young, naive, innocent Kathy, and wonder how I got to where I am now. Now, I dance and rejoice for the person I am, and the person I am becoming. Dancing is good for the soul. Especially when you have a toddler who is constantly asking you to dance.

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

Throughout the years, I've learned that I must break unhealthy relationships, in order to keep myself healthy. Setting boundaries is a necessity, to a point in every relationship. I've learned that I can't be everyone's friend, and I can't fix everyone's problems, especially if the other person isn't willing to work on it, and I need to distance myself, or cut ties completely, with those relationships that are harmful to me and my healing. While I still love those people, I can love them from a distance. Meanwhile, I'm embracing new and existing relationships that build me up and edify and encourage me and my little family.

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

I look at this part on 2 different levels. The first part, as literal, physical hugging. For awhile after the abusive relationship ended, I didn't want anyone touching me. Not even a small hug from a well-meaning friend. I have learned, that you can express your feelings through a hug in a way that words cannot convey. My therapist, Dana hugs me after every session. She always asks permission, and it's her way of showing me how much she cares about me and how proud she is of me. When my husband and I hug, we are expressing our love and commitment to each other in a special way. When I hug my daughter, and those extra special times that she hugs me, it just makes my heart melt and my emotions and love for her swell so intensely that sometimes I tear up.

The second level I look at this section is a figurative embracing of the path that God has taken me on thus far. I used to fight and question and doubt and wonder, why God? Why me? I was refraining from embracing this life that God had planned for me before I was even born. I'm learning to embrace this journey called life, and learn from it. All of it.

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

I sought love. I sought affection. I sought acceptance. I sought to please him. Then I lost my virginity by force from him. He stole that from me, and while I can now forgive him, I can never forget. I've sought redemption and worth in Christ, and I cannot lose that.

I also sought God's help and deliverance. I begged him to make the pain and humiliation stop, and if he couldn't or wouldn't, then to just take my life right then and there. I cried out to him when I had nobody else, and he didn't hear me. He chose not to help me. Why? How could a "loving" God watch as one of his children suffered? Then it hit me: How could a LOVING God watch his Son suffer, so we as sinners can have eternal life? I may never know the answer. I may always wonder, but I must come to the place where I can accept.

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

Some memories are good to keep alive. Fear is healthy, but only to a certain extent. Fear, genuine fear, used to cripple me. Now I'm letting my fear give me a deeper appreciation for things I've lost, things I have, and promises God has made. I can cast away that fear that debilitated me, and let it urge me on to be a stronger, more confident person. 

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

My heart was torn in so many pieces. It literally was shattered, and I was left, alone, to pick up the pieces. God and others are helping to slowly mend my heart back together, piece by piece, and rediscover life in a new sense. The scars, the evidence of the tears, will always be there -- both physically and emotionally. Scars from abuse. Scars from seven years of cutting and self-injury as my way of handling the deep, intense, and oftentimes unbearable swelling and ebbing tide of raw, raw pain. But scars do not define me. Physical scars are sensitive to the touch. Through my scars, I can be more sensitive to the Lord's whispering to me, his love for me, and to other people's hurts.

a time to keep silent, and a time to speak;

Through abuse, I was forced into silence. Silence breeds loneliness, and loneliness breeds so many other negative things. And after that abuse was long gone, I remained silent, because of the shame. Shame I unjustly felt. Shame that was not my own, that was not justified, but was there nonetheless. Through the help of my therapist, doctor, and physical therapist especially, and my husband and close friends, I am learning to speak my heart, to express my feelings and not be ashamed for what I am feeling. Feelings are never wrong; we can't help what we feel. It's how we react and deal with them. My heart is speaking, sometimes unintelligibly, but it has finally found its voice.

a time to love, and a time to hate;

I once loved a young man. I gave everything I had to him -- some willingly, some taken by force. Yet still, I loved him, for you can't just stop loving someone. I've come to realize that towards the end, I loved the man I wanted him to be. I loved the idea of having someone to love me. And when the recipient of my love, the one whom I trusted, hurt me, used me, abused me, and threw me to the wayside, I didn't allow myself to love again for 7 years, for fear of being hurt again. I am now free to love my husband in every aspect of our marriage. I love my daughter in a way that I cannot express. I fell in love with her from the moment I discovered I was pregnant, but my love for her has taken a new dimension. I love my parents and brother, for not always understanding what was going on with me, but supporting me and always being there for me. I love Dana, Dr. Rhodes and Jessica, for teaching me to trust again and never giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself. Most importantly, I've rediscovered my love for the Lord, who never let me go from the palm of his hand, who never left my side, who never stopped loving me even when I stopped loving and trusting in him. And I'm learning to love myself again, as a chosen daughter of God.

a time for war, and a time for peace;

A war raged within my soul for 7 long years. A war for my trust, for my beliefs, and for my heart. A war from which I shut others out, but broke me down to the point where I finally couldn't deal with by myself any longer. When I began to let others into my life, let them help me, rededicated my life to God, I began to finally know true peace.