Struggling through Christmas

Christmas has come and gone, and it's kind of all been a big blur. The fall/winter season, from Halloween to New Years, is my absolute favorite time of year, and normally I'll go all out to celebrate Halloween, my birthday, Allie's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Justin's birthday, and New Years.

This year, however, I felt like the holiday season flew past me like a speeding train and I was running to catch up.

Starting back on August 23rd, I spent the better part of two months in a psychiatric hospital -- 23 days the first stay, one week out, then 17 days back in again. The next day, I started the outpatient partial hospitalization program there and participated in that for a little over a month. After I was discharged from that, I immediately stepped down to the intensive outpatient program and was in that for about half a month, then went straight from that to my new DBT therapy program at Three Springs.

So since August 23rd, I've been slightly out of touch with reality. And it's a weird feeling -- one I'm not sure I like.

I feel like I wasn't able to completely enjoy my favorite time of year. I feel like the last 4 1/2 months have been consumed by hospital stays and therapies, leaving me no time to plan for the holidays like I usually do. No homemade, themed, family Halloween costumes. No giant Pinterest-inspired birthday party for Allie. No extravagant family Christmas photos. No baking for Thanksgiving or Christmas. No homemade Christmas presents for the grandparents.

In all honesty, I was actually barely able to keep my head above water. Some days, it was a miracle that I got through the day.

I don't like not having it all together, not being in control.

I actually don't even feel like it's Christmas. I'm happy and so glad to be at my home in Maryland, but it just doesn't feel like the holidays. This isn't a post about the true meaning of Christmas, because I get all that, but there's a certain feeling in the air and in our home that I can't explain that just hasn't been there this year. I didn't even feel that post-Christmas let-down the day after Christmas.

I guess I feel like, for the four months that my world paused while I was in the hospital and therapy, the rest of the world went on without me. And I'm having trouble catching up. I guess I still feel like I'm back at the end of August when I was committed to the hospital, pausing my world.

And I guess, overall, the hardest thing for me is that I feel like I'm having trouble connecting back with the people in my world. And it seems like now at Christmas-time, it's twice as difficult.

Conquering her fears

Just like every four-year-old, my daughter has fears. Some are quite understandable, like her fear of the dark, and some are irrational (although genuine fears to her), like her sporadic fear of the wall (which could also possibly be a stalling tactic at bedtime). 

So many times, I'm tempted to say, "You have nothing to be afraid of," or "Thunderstorms aren't going to hurt you," etc., especially when her fears suddenly crop up at bedtime. But it's important for my feelings to be validated, even if they seem irrational to others, and I want to validate hers as well.

A couple months ago, I sat down with her and talked over what things specifically she was afraid of. We talked about why she was afraid, and then we talked about reasons why she didn't need to be afraid of those things. Then we wrote it all down in a book, which I called "Allie's Book of Fears." I had her draw pictures of the fears and reasons to not be afraid that we came up with, and whenever she talks about being afraid, we pull that book out and talk about it.

The things we Dane owners do

I was organizing my pictures on my computer and came across these classics from this past summer.

Justin, Allie, and I and our friends Mignon and Debbi had all gone downtown for a Dane Date. Mignon has a Dane named Klaus and Debbi was fostering a Dane named Pluto. And of course, we have Miso.

Allie: "Three Danes? I got this."

You wouldn't believe the amount of women who are attracted to a hottie pants guy holding three Danes.

We played in the fountain for a bit, got bubble tea, and walked around downtown some. I lost track of how many times people stopped us and either wanted to pet the fluffies and/or ask questions about them.

At one point, I decided to be silly and pose with a statue. As Justin snapped each picture, he cracked up laughing, and at the time I just thought he was laughing at me. Then when we got home and I looked through the pictures, I realized what was so hilarious.

I'm surprised I didn't see them in this one.

Notice the lack of Dane . . . 

 . . . then BOOM! Mignon and Debbi are in the same position, but Pluto suddenly appears.

Oh yes, and did I mention that my kid was pretending to be dead during the entire photoshoot?

Debbi appears to be smelling Mignon's armpit.

Mignon and Debbi wave hello, Allie plays dead, I whisper in my statue boyfriend's ear, Miso tries to hide, and Klaus is oblivious.

Mignon's incredible flexibility impresses me.

So there you have it. Mad props to Mignon and Debbi for doing the best photobombs ever, to my husband for keeping a straight face as much as possible, for my daughter for going with the flow and deciding to play dead, and to Miso, Klaus and Pluto for putting up with their crazy owners.

Oh, and to my statue boyfriend for sitting still and posing so well the entire time.