Struggling through Christmas

Christmas has come and gone, and it's kind of all been a big blur. The fall/winter season, from Halloween to New Years, is my absolute favorite time of year, and normally I'll go all out to celebrate Halloween, my birthday, Allie's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Justin's birthday, and New Years.

This year, however, I felt like the holiday season flew past me like a speeding train and I was running to catch up.

Starting back on August 23rd, I spent the better part of two months in a psychiatric hospital -- 23 days the first stay, one week out, then 17 days back in again. The next day, I started the outpatient partial hospitalization program there and participated in that for a little over a month. After I was discharged from that, I immediately stepped down to the intensive outpatient program and was in that for about half a month, then went straight from that to my new DBT therapy program at Three Springs.

So since August 23rd, I've been slightly out of touch with reality. And it's a weird feeling -- one I'm not sure I like.

I feel like I wasn't able to completely enjoy my favorite time of year. I feel like the last 4 1/2 months have been consumed by hospital stays and therapies, leaving me no time to plan for the holidays like I usually do. No homemade, themed, family Halloween costumes. No giant Pinterest-inspired birthday party for Allie. No extravagant family Christmas photos. No baking for Thanksgiving or Christmas. No homemade Christmas presents for the grandparents.

In all honesty, I was actually barely able to keep my head above water. Some days, it was a miracle that I got through the day.

I don't like not having it all together, not being in control.

I actually don't even feel like it's Christmas. I'm happy and so glad to be at my home in Maryland, but it just doesn't feel like the holidays. This isn't a post about the true meaning of Christmas, because I get all that, but there's a certain feeling in the air and in our home that I can't explain that just hasn't been there this year. I didn't even feel that post-Christmas let-down the day after Christmas.

I guess I feel like, for the four months that my world paused while I was in the hospital and therapy, the rest of the world went on without me. And I'm having trouble catching up. I guess I still feel like I'm back at the end of August when I was committed to the hospital, pausing my world.

And I guess, overall, the hardest thing for me is that I feel like I'm having trouble connecting back with the people in my world. And it seems like now at Christmas-time, it's twice as difficult.