Like mother, like daughter

My parents sent me a large box of pictures they took throughout my childhood years, and I've just recently gotten around to sorting through it. One of the things that totally struck me as funny is the similarity between some of the things that I've taken pictures of Allie doing, and the things my parents took of me doing when I was a kid.

I created collages with some of them. (Note: none of these were staged. The similar poses/pictures just happened). Just more proof that this girl was meant to be my child.

One of the first times my parents saw me (my picture when they got my assignment); one of the first times I saw Allie:

Lee BoRa; Alexandra Noelle

I also really liked this one, since our expressions are exactly the same.

The first time my mom held me; one of the first times I held Allie:

One of the first times my dad held me; the first time my dad held Allie:

The first time my godmother, Aunt Carolyn Warnken, held me; the first time she held Allie:

My mom helping me walk; me helping Allie walk:

My first snow experience; Allie's first snow experience:

My first birthday; Allie's first birthday:

My first Halloween (I was karate kid); Allie's first Halloween (she was a bar of Dial soap, to go with my human loofah costume):

Potty training time!

Easter egg hunt:

Wearing my dad's shoes; wearing mommy's shoes:

My first time riding a horse; her first time riding a horse (note the difference of expression):

Being silly with Mr. Potato Head accessories:

Looking fly in our Hollywood shades:

Ballerina dancing (She looks graceful; I look like a dog peeing at a fire hydrant):

Another time playing in the snow, now older and able to enjoy it more:

First time in the AWANA Club program -- me in Cubbies; her in Puggles:

Wearing my favorite elephant dress from when I was a kid:

Modeling our bathing suits:

Horseback rides on daddy's back:

My dad showing me something on the roof; Justin showing Allie their birdfeeder hanging from our roof:

Strawberry picking:

First time playing my piano:

First bike:

Trip to the local fire station -- me for my brother's birthday party; Allie on a daycare field trip:

Wrapped up in towels after a bath with our friends -- me and my dear childhood friend Bethany; Allie and her best friend Drake:

Silly siblings -- me and my brother Bobby; Allie and her brother Davis:

And just for fun:

My dad did the pictures of my brother and me, and I did the one of Allie. :)

A 10-Step Guide to Potty Training in One Day

Several of my mommy friends have asked what method I used when potty training Allie. And I have to admit -- I really really lucked out when it came to potty training my daughter. She caught on super fast and had the concept down in one day, was going to the bathroom regularly in 3 days but still wearing plastic underwear over her regular undies "just in case," and was fully potty trained by the end of that week, rarely having an accident and telling me almost every time she needed to go.

We had some practice rounds before we actually started potty training. Allie got to pick out her underwear...

(and see how not to wear them)

... and practice with her baby doll.

Before you read the rest of my post, take a few minutes and read this blog post by Krysta Moes. Krysta's post is the method I followed for potty training Allie in one day, so you'll need to read about it first or some of the things I mention later on won't make much sense. I followed her method pretty strictly, with a few alterations since she is a stay at home mom and I work outside the home and some of the things she did just weren't practical for me.

OK, have you read Krysta's blog post? Great -- continue on. After potty training Allie, these are a few little tips that I learned along the way.

1. Wait until they're ready.
2. 'Potty trained' does not equal 'accident-free.'
3. Be prepared to be inconvenienced.
4. Stop, drop, and go!
5. Reinforce!
6. Expect the unexpected.
7. Be prepared to talk about it.
8. Praise, praise, praise!
9. Relapse.
10. This, too, shall pass.

1. Wait until they're ready.
I cannot stress this point enough. Just because you're ready to not change any more poopy diapers doesn't necessarily mean your child is ready to stop pooping in her diaper. If you try to potty train before your child is ready, be prepared for lots of tears, frustration and accidents. Potty training should be a positive experience for your child, and if you're constantly yelling at her because she didn't tell you she had to pee pee and now there's a giant wet spot on the couch -- chances are she's not quite ready yet.

A few signs to look for are: Is she telling you her diaper is dirty and recognizing when she's wet or has poopy. (Most kids often recognize poopy first). Try sitting her on the potty and see if she has any interest in going? Does she take her dolls or stuffed animals to the potty? Does she show any curiosity when you go to the bathroom? Does she hand you her turd when she poops, all proud of it? (sorry, super gross I know, but this actually happened to me).

Keep in mind, just because your best friend's kiddo is ready to potty train does not mean that your child is ready. And if another kid the same age is successfully potty training, that doesn't mean your kiddo is developmentally behind, or whatever. Kids reach milestones at all different times in their childhood, and it's important to recognize that when determining if your kid is ready to start potty training.

2. 'Potty trained' does not equal 'accident-free.'
The first time Allie had an accident after she was potty trained (which was about a week after), I remember thinking, "What in the world just happened here? I thought she was potty trained!"

I called my mom (as I always do when I need to ask her mommy advice, vent, cry, or figure out why my brisket broth won't thicken) and whined about how Allie had an accident and she just got finished potty training. Very matter of factly, my mom said, "Yeah, accidents will happen, so expect them. You had several after I potty trained you." (Side note: when your mother grew up in the Bronx and your father is an engineer Navy veteran, don't always expect sugar-coating and sympathy from your parents).

"So, like, how often will she still pee on the couch? A lot? Once a week or so? What?"

I could almost picture my mom shrugging. "Not sure. As long as she does, but I wouldn't sweat it. She potty trained fast, and it's perfectly normal to have accidents. Don't make a big deal out of them. Just clean them up, remind her where she's supposed to go potty, and don't keep bringing it up to her. You don't want to turn it into a fight or a negative experience for her, and you definitely don't want to make her feel bad for having an accident."

Best advice ever. As time went on (for Allie, just a couple weeks or so), her little accidents here and there became less and less, til they pretty much stopped altogether. Sometimes, even to this day, if she gets really involved in doing something, she'll wet herself, and I just remind her that when her body is telling her to go potty, she needs to stop what she's doing and go, and she can always return to whatever event had her so enraptured that she forgot to pee in the potty.

3. Be prepared to be inconvenienced
There's no way to sugar coat this -- potty training is one of the most annoying, time-consuming, frustrating, gross, disgusting, hardest parts of parenthood I've had to experience thus far. A toddler doesn't initially recognize that 'bathroom urge' and will often ignore it and continue doing whatever she's doing while she pees or poops, not realizing that going to the bathroom in her pants is not what she's going to do for the rest of her life. Potty training is essentially teaching her to recognize her body's need to use the bathroom and do so in the toilet. But in order to get them to actually use the bathroom on their own, you first need to teach them how to recognize when they have to go to the bathroom.

At first, it's 100% your job to keep track of that urge for her. By taking her to the bathroom at 15 minute intervals all day long, you're showing her that going to the bathroom is part of her daily routine. Every 15 minutes, you're reminding her to stop what she's doing and focus her mind on going to the bathroom.

By running her and her baby doll back and forth from the accident to the toilet 10x every time she (or the baby) has an accident, you're instilling in her that going to the bathroom anywhere other than the potty isn't acceptable, but in a fun way and in a way she can understand.

The first day of complete dedication to potty training was fun for me, and I think it was fun for Allie. I had a plan laid out, I'd gotten both of us psyched up for it, bought all the supplies and things that we would need, and was ready to do this thing. And we had a blast.

Helping baby Atticus drink out of her new big girl cup

Drinking out of her new big girl cup

The second day, however, was a little harder, because by that point, I wasn't able to devote an entire day to solely potty training. And at that point, I was still setting the timer and taking her to sit on the potty every 15 minutes. On Day 1, where potty training was all we were doing, that was fine. But when I'm trying to fold laundry, clean the house, do my freezer cooking, and basically normal weekend daily routine stuff, having to stop every 15 minutes and take her to the bathroom got old. Really old. Really fast. But that's what Krysta said to do, so I persisted.

By the third day, I was just so over the potty training thing and ready to be done. We hadn't been out of the house in three days, and I was just so tempted to put a pull-up on her so I didn't have to live my day in 15-minute increments. But as much as I wanted to whip out a pull-up, I gritted my teeth, put her in a pair of underwear, and kept setting that timer and taking her to the bathroom. At that point, Allie was pretty much over it too. The novelty of potty training had worn off for both of us and was long gone, and Allie didn't want to stop playing or watching a movie or whatever she was doing to go to the bathroom. Several times, the only way I got her to try going without it turning into a major fight was reminding her that if she went, she got to pick a Skittle from the treat jar.

Looking back on it, and even the day after, I was so glad I didn't cave to pull ups. Pull ups are basically glorified diapers, and the point of starting her off in underwear and never looking back is so if she does have an accident, she immediately feels that uncomfortable feeling of having wet underwear. A pull up doesn't really give that feeling of uncomfortableness, and just acts like a diaper. A pull up would have negated all that hard work we'd done for the past two days.

Justin took off work on Monday to stay with Allie at home so she could have four solid days of potty training at home. When I got home from work that evening, the first thing he said as I walked in the door was, "There are a lot of 15-minute segments in the day."

So yeah, prepare to put your life on hold for several days and be totally inconvenienced.

4. Stop, drop, and go!
This kind of goes along with point #3 above, about being inconvenienced. When a kid first starts potty training, and gets to the point where she's telling you on her own that she has to go, she means she has to go right now. As adults, we give ourselves ample time to actually get to the bathroom. Newly potty-trained kids don't. They don't understand that it takes a few seconds, sometimes even minutes, to actually make it to the bathroom, get that potty seat on the toilet, pull their pants down, and sit on the toilet. And that's if you're at a place where a bathroom is readily available and accessible, which isn't always a guarantee, like if you're at a restaurant and there's a line for the bathroom.

One time, after Allie was pretty routinely telling me when she had to go, I made the mistake of telling her, "OK, just hold on a minute. I'm almost finished glazing this ham and then I'll take you as soon as I get it back in the oven."

Well, she couldn't wait even the minute or two that it took me to finish up with the ham, and went potty in her undies. At first I was a little frustrated with her and was all, "Allie, I told you I would be right there. Why didn't you just hold it?" And she very tearfully answered, "I tried, Mommy, but I had to go."

And that's when it dawned on me that it would take time and practice for her to figure out that she needed to give herself enough time to actually get to the bathroom.

This presented to be a major problem when, a couple months after she was potty trained, she and I drove up to Durham, NC, for the weekend, to meet up halfway with my parents and attend a family reunion. Since it was a good four-hour drive, I did put her in a pull up, just in case. As we approached every rest stop and restaurant, I asked her if she needed to go potty. "No." And then like less than five minutes later, "Mommy, I have to go potty." Well, there wasn't another rest stop for another ten minutes or so, so she went in her pull up. Even after a good three months of being potty trained, she still was having trouble giving herself enough time to get to a bathroom. She was doing fine at home, but she didn't recognize that when we were on the road, bathrooms weren't always readily available.

It takes time for a kid to learn how to gauge how long they can hold their bathroom, and while they figure it out, it's our jobs as parents to be ready to drop everything we're doing when nature calls for them.

5. Reinforce!
Each child is different, but for Allie, even after she could tell me when she had to go, and especially when we were out running errands or whatever, I would remind her that if she needed to go potty, to tell me.

Trust me, it gets old, really fast. For you, and for her. But that constant reinforcement helps solidify the potty concept in their brain.

6. Expect the unexpected.
There will be instances in life that will cause a hiccup in potty training, even for the most experienced potty-going kid.

Allie's was automatic flushing toilets. You know the kind I'm talking about -- the toilets that flush the minute you sit down, but when you're finished your business and actually want them to flush, you have to do a little jig in front of the sensor to activate the flush.

The first time Allie experienced an automatic flushing toilet, she had just finished peeing and was about to wipe, then whoooooosh! The toilet flushed and swirled so vigorously that water droplets shot up out of the toilet.

I've never seen a kid bolt straight up off a toilet as fast as Allie did.

And for the longest time, any time we went in a bathroom and she saw that dreaded little black box on the toilet, she would burst into tears, stiffen her legs, and refuse to even sit on the potty, no matter how badly she had to go.

Eventually, after multiple times of me promising that it wouldn't flush on her, that I would put my hand over that little black box sensor so it wouldn't go off at all, and me actually going myself to show her it wouldn't flush, she got over her fear of automatic flushing toilets and is now proud of the fact that she can go potty on one.

Each kid's little 'unexpected hiccup' might be different. For one of my friend's kid, he became afraid to poop when he got constipated once and it hurt to poop. Another Allie example is one time she fell in the toilet when she first started not using her potty seat and was scared to sit on the potty for awhile...

...but she outgrew that too and now we laugh about it. Just expect the unexpected.

7. Be prepared to talk about it.
Little kids love to talk. All parents of toddlers know that. And they mostly like to talk about the major events going on in their life, and they don't really have a filter yet on what's appropriate conversation material.

So when they're potty training, be prepared for them to bring up their new bathroom skill -- to family, friends, and random people in the grocery store.

No joke.

We were in Publix, perusing the aisles in hopes of jogging my memory since I had forgotten my grocery list, and I stopped to look at the Campbell's soup section. A middle-aged man was also studying the soup, and Allie announced to him, "Me went poopy in the potty last night."

I immediately jumped all over that, and was like, "Shhh, Allie, we don't tell people that," which only made her repeat it louder, but thankfully the man was very gracious and told her what a big girl she was.

Allie also started classifying her poops. As in, 'big poopy' and 'little poopy.' And she's not shy about sharing which kind she did -- to me, to Justin, to my MIL, and again, to random strangers. And she also expects us to be just as forthcoming with her, which is evidenced by her knocking on the bathroom door, "Mommy! You doin' a big poopy or a little poopy?"

Smh.

8. Praise, praise, praise!
Allie loves it every time I tell her she's doing a good job with something or that I'm proud of her. All kids thrive on praise and compliments, from when they're learning their alphabet to when they score a winning soccer goal, and potty training is no different. Each time she successfully went to the bathroom, especially when she was first learning, I went over the top to show her how proud I was of her, even when I sat her on the toilet and she didn't have to go.

And as time goes on, you don't necessarily have to praise them every time they go, but keep reminding them how proud you are of the fact that they're going to the bathroom in the potty, and how awesome that is.

I also had different milestones for her. Like, when she went an entire week with no accidents, she could pick a toy. Then, when she went a month, she got to pick another toy. Things like that. That way, it gives her an achievable goal to work towards.

Once she was fully potty trained, she got to pick out a big prize. She chose a Mickey Mouse couch and a Mr. Potato Head.

9. Relapse.
There might be a time when your experienced potty-goer relapses to their diaper days. It could just be because it's easier to go in their pants, or it could be if there's a lot going on in their young lives, or there really could be no reason for it at all.

Allie relapsed when I went to the hospital back in May. She'd been potty trained for almost five or six months, and wasn't really having any accidents, not even periodically. When I was put in the hospital, she relapsed so badly that she was constantly wearing pull ups all day, every day.

Little kids don't have the emotional maturity to express their feelings in an appropriate and constructive manner, which is why they start having temper tantrums. They also don't have control over many things in their little life. Going to the bathroom was one area of her life that Allie had complete control over, and peeing in her underwear was her way of expressing that it was not OK that she didn't have her mommy at home for 13 days and that things weren't right in her world.

When I got out of the hospital, I did have to work with her again about the proper place to go to the bathroom, kind of potty training a second time, but she almost immediately went back to being potty trained and the process wasn't nearly as drastic, time consuming and frustrating as the first time around.

10. This, too, shall pass.
With every stage of parenting, there will be positive and negative aspects. Potty training is no different, and at first, the negatives far outweigh the positives. You'll be discouraged, frustrated, tired, peed on. You'll be confused. You'll wonder if your kiddo will be in diapers the rest of their lives because they're just not getting it.

Here's a little secret -- you're not alone. Every parent who's potty trained has felt the same way at one time or another. And you know what? It's OK to be frustrated. It's OK to be inconvenienced. It's OK to be sick of potty training.

But there will be a day when it just 'clicks,' and she'll suddenly just get it, and then all the positives will start.

No more diapers.

No diaper bags.

No more swim diapers.

The fact that the pants you thought she was outgrowing actually still fit her when she's not wearing a saggy baggy diaper.

That look of elation on her face when she 'gets it' and that feeling of pride for her swelling up. The realization that your little girl/boy is not so little anymore.

--------------------

Allie has been potty trained for over a year now, and in the last couple months, she's started taking herself to the bathroom. Most of the time, she doesn't even tell me anymore, unless she has to go poop and needs help wiping. Accidents are very rare, and it's been the longest time since I last bought pull ups for when she's home. Going to the bathroom is basically second nature for her now.

A few changes I made from Krysta's blog, since I work full time outside the home, is I still put her in pull ups for night time and nap time. Krysta went cold turkey undies 24/7, and according to her blog, after a few weeks, her kids were potty trained through the night. I would've loved to do that, but it just wasn't practical for me to have to change pee sheets throughout the night and every morning and then be at work at 8 a.m. So Allie still wears pull ups at night, but more nights than not lately she's woken up dry. Sometimes she even wakes up during the middle of the night and calls out for me that she has to go.

Her daycare lady puts pull ups on her during nap time, but Allie rarely ever naps, and when she does, she almost consistently wakes up dry, so we're pretty much to the point where she can go in undies to nap.

I hope these tips are helpful and maybe even encouraging to all the mommies planning to potty train. Please don't think I have it all together, especially when it comes to potty training, because I don't. Krysta's blog was a lifesaver for me, and Allie just caught on super fast. This was just my experience with potty training, and some lessons I learned throughout the potty journey.

Words of Wisdom from Allie

Ways to Get Out of Getting in Trouble
by Allie Hadel

1. When your parents kneel down on your level to talk to you, pick a random moment, then reach out, squeeze their nose, while saying, "Beep!"

(This next one works especially well if your parents are really super mad).

2.  Wait until they take a breath in their disciplining, then ask, "Are you angry?" Of course they're going to say Yes! Then tell them, "Awww, you so pwetty when you angry." Trust me, melts their heart every time.

3. Ignore them. When they call you from across the room to tell you to stop doing something or to ask you what you're doing (and you know you're not supposed to be doing it), pretend like you don't hear them. Wait until they call you several times and their frustration level builds and builds. Sometimes they will even yell your name in extreme annoyance. That's when you turn around, give them your most innocent look, and say, "Oh, you talkin' to me, Ayee?" (insert your name here).

Works every time. Trust me.

The birds and the bees, and socks full of sweets

Lately, Allie has been asking some pretty in depth questions -- like, the kind they don't talk about in the parenting books -- and I've found myself fumbling around to give her a satisfactory (and sometimes, age-appropriate) answer.

Let's start off with her curiosity about where babies come from. We've been talking about the potential of her having a little brother or sister, and thinking hypothetically, I asked her if she would like to have another little baby in the family.

Her face lit up. "Right now?" she asked excitedly.

"Uh, well no, not like this minute . . ."

She jumped up and ran over to the hall closet, wanting her coat. "Come on, Mommy. We go to the store and get one now, okay."

I was confused. "What?"

She gave me a look, clearly wondering why I wasn't following her logic. "We go to store and get a baby. We go to Target now and get one, in the dollar section. Like Baby Fat Cat!"

"Ahhhh." I suddenly realized where her little mind was headed. She got a new baby doll with accessories for her birthday (which she named Baby Fat Cat, after our fat cat Muffintop) and last time we were at Target, I took her through the toy section and showed her where I got Baby Fat Cat. Which, by the way, was not in the dollar section, so I have no idea where that came from. Maybe because we always check out the dollar section before we start shopping.

I knelt down next to her. "Honey, Baby Fat Cat is just a pretend baby," I explained. "Real live babies, like when you were a little baby, don't come from Target or any other store."

"Oh." She scrunched up her face, deep in thought. "Then . . . where babies come from? Where me come from when I was yittle yittle baby Ayee?"

Oh boy.

"Um, well, babies come from . . . babies are born . . . ummm ." Then inspiration struck. I lifted up my shirt and showed her my c-section scar. "See, babies come from right there."

"Ohhhh." And for now, that seemed to satisfy her.

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Along those same awkward questions, Allie had another little revelation about a week ago. She finished up going to the bathroom, and did her usual "shake shake tap tap" routine. I've tried explaining to her multiple times that she doesn't have anything to "tap tap," but she hasn't really seemed to pay attention.

Until today.

"Why me no need to tap tap? Day-poo (Drake, aka Drakie-poo) tap taps."

"Because Drake is a little boy, and you're a little girl." Yeah, smart move, I know.

"Day-poo a boy, and me a girl?"

"Yep."

"And you a girl, and daddy a boy?"

"Yep. Wipe and pull your pants up and let's wash your hands, okay?"

She ignored me. She was focused. "And Oo-ah a girl, and PopPop a boy?" (my parents)

"Yep."

"And Ooma a girl, and Doodad a boy?" (Justin's parents)

Sigh. "Yep."

After running through about 20 more people that we knew, differentiating whether they were boys or girls, she asked the question: "Mommy, why me a girl? What makes me a girl, and boys a boy?"

Awesome.

"Uh . . . well, let's see here." I frantically racked my brain for an age-appropriate answer that would satisfy her curiosity. "God made little girls girls, and little boys boys."

"But what makes me a girl?"

Smart kid. "Well, little girls and little boys have different body parts," I said. "Hey! I know! Do you want a marshmallow? Maybe even 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 marshmallows?"

She jumped up off the potty, totally forgetting about girls vs. boys. "YEAH! Me want one two free four six seven eight nine ten ewevin twelve eighteen twenty marshmallows!"

"Okay then! Wash your hands and let's get marshmallows!"

Never underestimate the power of diversion/distraction with toddlers. Ever.

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We were driving home from daycare a couple days ago. The city of Greer has their Christmas decorations up already, including lights in the shapes of Christmas trees, wreaths, stockings, poinsettias, etc, hanging on the telephone poles. Allie was pointing out each one as we drove past them and commenting how pretty they were, but stopped when we passed a stocking light.

"Mommy, what dat thing?"

"That's called a stocking."

"Stockin'? What a stockin'?"

"Well, it's like a big sock. You hang the sock from the fireplace at Christmas time, and then you stuff it full of candy and toys and treats and all kinds of goodies."

Allie was silent for awhile, pondering this concept. Finally, "But, but . . . why you put candy in yours socks?"

I'd actually never thought about that before. "Well because . . . because . . . you just . . . do."

She lifted her foot up. "We put candy in mine socks when we get home?"

"No, not those socks," I was quick to answer. I could just picture her stuffing an assortment of chocolates and lollipops into her sweaty little socks, then forgetting to take them out before sticking her socks in her hamper.

"But you just said we put candy in ours socks."

"I know Als, but, well, stockings are different."

"But you said stockin's are socks."

"I know --"

"So yets (sic) put candy in ours socks, okay!"

I had no good answer for her. "Okay, maybe later."

20 questions, as answered by 3-year-old Allie

Each year, starting this year, I'll be asking Allie the same 20 questions on her birthday. It'll be fun to see how her answers change each year. :) Her answers are in blue.

1. What is your favorite color? red

2. What is your favorite toy? my new Baby Fat Cat

3. What is your favorite fruit? a grape

4. What is your favorite TV show? Super Why

5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? applesauce. But we can't have applesauce today because there is no more, so you have to get more at the store yater.

6. What is your favorite outfit? my pwincess dress, my pink one

7. What is your favorite game to play? pway house with baby Pappie (Paxton)

8. What is your favorite snack? goldfish

9. What is your favorite animal? yion. (lion) No, me scary with yions. Me like a birdie. (Me: What kind of birdie?) The one that goes tweet tweet.

10. What is your favorite song? Old MacDonald

11. What is your favorite book? BumBum Bee Bear (Bumble B. Bear) and my pwincess books (The Princess Books of Manners)

12. Who is your best friend? Drake and Paxton

13. What is your favorite cereal? doggie one (Scooby Doo cereal)

14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? play ball

15. What is your favorite drink? orange juice

16. What is your favorite holiday? my birts-day (birthday)

17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? blue bear, Mickey Mouse, Wubbies, 'Nuggle (Snuggle) Bear, Baby Fat Cat

18. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? pancakes

19. What do you like to eat for dinner? ice cream

20. What do you want to be when you grow up? big. I'm not big now. I'm yittle.

The princess before her party.

Our little family

To everything there is a season . . .

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

-Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

These verses have so much meaning for me, in 2 different respects. The first is somewhat . . . well, I don't want to say silly, because it represents a turning point in my life. But some might view it as silly. I don't care.

In the movie Forrest Gump, Jenny and her hippie friends sing a song with those words in it from those verses. Throughout the movie, Forrest and Jenny remain friends, developing their love for each other, and finally marry. After Jenny dies, there is a scene in the movie where Forrest is sitting by her grave, telling her how much he misses her, how much their son misses her and reminds him of her, and just grieving her loss. During my hospital stay, one evening a group of us were watching this movie during free time. When it got to the scene of Forrest at Jenny's grave, it hit me. If I took my own life, this would be Justin, kneeling at my graveside, grieving my loss, expressing his deep endless sadness and telling me how much my precious Allie misses me and will never get the opportunity to know me. How I will miss her entire childhood, teenage years, adulthood.

And at that point, I knew I wanted to live. I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to end. And that was the turning point, when I knew I had to heal, make myself healthy, for my family's sake, but also for mine.

The second reason I love these verses is, each specific phrase applies to every aspect of these past 7 years.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under the heaven:

I may not understand why I've had to go through the events I've experienced in the past 7 years or so, but God had a purpose for it. I may not know what it is now, and I may never know, but I know it wasn't an accident or God forgetting about me. He had a purpose and it was part of his plan for my life.

a time to be born, and a time to die;

I was born on October 31, 1985, and I've always been super proud of the fact that I was born on Halloween. Not that I had any control over that, mind you, but I still enjoy that fact and have always taken full advantage of my birthday when trick or treating. The pain of what God allowed me to experience (a perspective that is fairly new to me, and I still struggle with) made me want to end my life, twice, enough to take actions to do so and, both times, landed me in the depression/suicide/mental health unit of the local psychiatric hospital. Thankfully, neither of those were my time to go, and family and friends arrived in time to help me.

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

Ahh, the journey of motherhood. Young minds are like sponges, and absorb anything and everything, even observations we don't know they pick up on. Through teaching Allie, both in actively teaching her, but also in how she sees me live my daily life, I'm planting the seeds that lay the foundation for how Allie (and any other future children) is going to experience life, make choices, develop morals and ethics, and learn how to deal with the ups and downs of life. When she is grown, hopefully I would've lived a life that is worthy of her looking at as a good example of how to live.

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

After I experienced what I did, it's like a part of me died inside. For the longest time, it felt like that emptiness and void would never be filled, leaving me feeling very much alone, unwanted, unlovable, with no hope of ever returning to the same person I used to be. And in a sense, I never will. As I've begun this journey, God has allowed me to slowly, very slowly and painstakingly, heal. It's been one of the hardest experiences of my life, almost as painful as the initial experiences that led to this. But I've discovered that while I will never be the same, I don't need to let my abuse define me. Rather than let it kill my soul, and slowly eat away at my will to live, I can let it strengthen me and teach me, and be more compassionate and empathetic toward others who may have experienced similar situations and struggles. Through healing, I am becoming whole again.

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

My abuser broke me down over a period of time. He caused me to lose hope, become isolated, feel alone, be fearful, and lose my will to fight anymore. Now that I have rid him of my life, and of the grip he held on my life, I can finally re-build my strength, confidence and life again.

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

People are emotional creatures, both men and women. You don't think men are emotional? Just go to a football game and observe men when their team is losing. Men are just as emotional as women. God created us with emotions so we can experience the full gamut of life. Emotions are not a bad thing; without them, life would be so dull. It's how we handle our emotions that is important. "Weeping may come in the night time, but joy comes in the morning." I can't even begin to count how many nights I cried, and cried, and cried. You would think I would run out of tears, but they just kept coming, trying to rid my heart of the intense aching, yet only draining me of emotion. On a daily basis, I plastered a smile to my face, went about my day, and smiled and laughed. No one could see how much I was hurting. Sometimes, the people with the biggest smiles are the ones with the deepest hurts. For the first time in 7 years, I am actually happy. I am content. I can laugh, and be truly laughing and smiling. It's still a struggle to not hide my hurt, and to put a smile on my face, but I"m learning to find the balance.

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

Sometimes, I look back on what I used to be, how unstoppable and independent I remember myself being, and yearn to be like that again. I mourn for the young, naive, innocent Kathy, and wonder how I got to where I am now. Now, I dance and rejoice for the person I am, and the person I am becoming. Dancing is good for the soul. Especially when you have a toddler who is constantly asking you to dance.

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

Throughout the years, I've learned that I must break unhealthy relationships, in order to keep myself healthy. Setting boundaries is a necessity, to a point in every relationship. I've learned that I can't be everyone's friend, and I can't fix everyone's problems, especially if the other person isn't willing to work on it, and I need to distance myself, or cut ties completely, with those relationships that are harmful to me and my healing. While I still love those people, I can love them from a distance. Meanwhile, I'm embracing new and existing relationships that build me up and edify and encourage me and my little family.

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

I look at this part on 2 different levels. The first part, as literal, physical hugging. For awhile after the abusive relationship ended, I didn't want anyone touching me. Not even a small hug from a well-meaning friend. I have learned, that you can express your feelings through a hug in a way that words cannot convey. My therapist, Dana hugs me after every session. She always asks permission, and it's her way of showing me how much she cares about me and how proud she is of me. When my husband and I hug, we are expressing our love and commitment to each other in a special way. When I hug my daughter, and those extra special times that she hugs me, it just makes my heart melt and my emotions and love for her swell so intensely that sometimes I tear up.

The second level I look at this section is a figurative embracing of the path that God has taken me on thus far. I used to fight and question and doubt and wonder, why God? Why me? I was refraining from embracing this life that God had planned for me before I was even born. I'm learning to embrace this journey called life, and learn from it. All of it.

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

I sought love. I sought affection. I sought acceptance. I sought to please him. Then I lost my virginity by force from him. He stole that from me, and while I can now forgive him, I can never forget. I've sought redemption and worth in Christ, and I cannot lose that.

I also sought God's help and deliverance. I begged him to make the pain and humiliation stop, and if he couldn't or wouldn't, then to just take my life right then and there. I cried out to him when I had nobody else, and he didn't hear me. He chose not to help me. Why? How could a "loving" God watch as one of his children suffered? Then it hit me: How could a LOVING God watch his Son suffer, so we as sinners can have eternal life? I may never know the answer. I may always wonder, but I must come to the place where I can accept.

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

Some memories are good to keep alive. Fear is healthy, but only to a certain extent. Fear, genuine fear, used to cripple me. Now I'm letting my fear give me a deeper appreciation for things I've lost, things I have, and promises God has made. I can cast away that fear that debilitated me, and let it urge me on to be a stronger, more confident person. 

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

My heart was torn in so many pieces. It literally was shattered, and I was left, alone, to pick up the pieces. God and others are helping to slowly mend my heart back together, piece by piece, and rediscover life in a new sense. The scars, the evidence of the tears, will always be there -- both physically and emotionally. Scars from abuse. Scars from seven years of cutting and self-injury as my way of handling the deep, intense, and oftentimes unbearable swelling and ebbing tide of raw, raw pain. But scars do not define me. Physical scars are sensitive to the touch. Through my scars, I can be more sensitive to the Lord's whispering to me, his love for me, and to other people's hurts.

a time to keep silent, and a time to speak;

Through abuse, I was forced into silence. Silence breeds loneliness, and loneliness breeds so many other negative things. And after that abuse was long gone, I remained silent, because of the shame. Shame I unjustly felt. Shame that was not my own, that was not justified, but was there nonetheless. Through the help of my therapist, doctor, and physical therapist especially, and my husband and close friends, I am learning to speak my heart, to express my feelings and not be ashamed for what I am feeling. Feelings are never wrong; we can't help what we feel. It's how we react and deal with them. My heart is speaking, sometimes unintelligibly, but it has finally found its voice.

a time to love, and a time to hate;

I once loved a young man. I gave everything I had to him -- some willingly, some taken by force. Yet still, I loved him, for you can't just stop loving someone. I've come to realize that towards the end, I loved the man I wanted him to be. I loved the idea of having someone to love me. And when the recipient of my love, the one whom I trusted, hurt me, used me, abused me, and threw me to the wayside, I didn't allow myself to love again for 7 years, for fear of being hurt again. I am now free to love my husband in every aspect of our marriage. I love my daughter in a way that I cannot express. I fell in love with her from the moment I discovered I was pregnant, but my love for her has taken a new dimension. I love my parents and brother, for not always understanding what was going on with me, but supporting me and always being there for me. I love Dana, Dr. Rhodes and Jessica, for teaching me to trust again and never giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself. Most importantly, I've rediscovered my love for the Lord, who never let me go from the palm of his hand, who never left my side, who never stopped loving me even when I stopped loving and trusting in him. And I'm learning to love myself again, as a chosen daughter of God.

a time for war, and a time for peace;

A war raged within my soul for 7 long years. A war for my trust, for my beliefs, and for my heart. A war from which I shut others out, but broke me down to the point where I finally couldn't deal with by myself any longer. When I began to let others into my life, let them help me, rededicated my life to God, I began to finally know true peace.

AllieBug's first fundraiser -- St. Jude trike-a-thon

Last week, Allie participated in her first fundraiser ever with Amber and the daycare kids -- a trike-a-thon to benefit St. Jude and kids with cancer.

During the week leading up to the event, the kids learned a different lesson about trike safety. Always ride with a helmet on. Never ride in the street alone, etc. They had a special coloring book and stickers every day that went with the day's lesson.

I wanted Allie to understand as best she could what she was doing. So the night before the trike-a-thon, I explained to her that there are kids who are very sick and have to stay at the doctor's, so she was riding to help them feel better. She ran to the window (where she likes to watch the neighborhood kids play) and said, "Those kids?" "Well, not really," I told her. "Those kids are healthy and not sick." So I pulled up the St. Jude website and showed her pictures of some of the children, and that seemed to help her understand a little better. Until she became obsessed with finding our cat Wem, and then the moment was over.

Allie raised $425, and the 5 kids at Happy Home Daycare raised over $800. I couldn't have been prouder of Allie and her friends.

Amber really went out of her way to make the day extra fun and special for the kids. They started out with a pizza party and promises of short naps (always a plus to toddlers).

Enjoying their pizza party for lunch

Savannah

Paxton 

Allie

Drake

Kaden

Then after nap time, it was time to ride! Amber really outdid herself and made an AWESOME course for the kiddos to ride.

There were 'spectators' cheering on the little trike riders:

Pax! Team Drake! Yay Savannah!

Go Allie! Kaden!

And of course, the St. Jude hospital:

Kids playing outside and a construction site:

The course itself:

And then, the Finish line!

Each kid took their turn riding the course individually while everyone else watched and cheered from the sidelines.

Allie had such a blast and rode her trike so well! 

After they completed their ride, each kid got a special sticker, as a special momento that they had participated in the St. Jude Trike-a-thon.

She even got her own personalized trike license!

Then they ended the day with a well-deserved dip in the pool.

The trike-a-thon was extra special for us. Allie rode in memory of her 2nd cousin, John Patrick Mullen, my cousin Amy's son, who passed away 3 years ago from a brain tumor when he was 6 months old. Allie never got the privilege of meeting John Patrick, but I know they would've been great friends.

I couldn't have been prouder of my Little Bit. What a neat experience for her and the rest of the kids, to take a day out of their lives to do something special in their own way to help other kids who are sick. A special, heartfelt thank you from both Allie and me to everyone who sponsored her, whether financially, words of encouragement, or cheering her on. And an extra special thank you to Mrs. Amber, for organizing the event and going out of her way to make this a special memory for the kids.