Giving thanks for all that I have

Fall is my favorite time of year. It's also my most dreaded time of year, because of some things in my past. But overall, the reasons why I love this time of year trump the reasons why I hate it. My birthday, Allie's birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Christmas music, decorations, New Years -- just the crispness of fall weather and the cold (and hopefully snow!) of the winter. 

Since the middle of August, I've been in and out of the hospital twice (for the better part of two months), in outpatient therapy at the hospital for one month, and I started a very intense DBT program with a specialized DBT therapist and weekly skills classes at a place called Three Springs. So the fall has kind of just blown by, and I feel like I'm rushing to catch up.

Thanksgiving crept up on me before I knew it, and it's hard to believe that tomorrow is the much anticipated "turkey day." I won't lie -- this year, especially the last several months, have been extremely, excruciatingly, painfully hard for me. Really, the past eight years have been hard for me. The things I struggle with, and most likely will continue to struggle with for a long time, overwhelm and discourage me. So many times I just want to be "normal." I don't want to have a diagnosis of bipolar 2, PTSD, major depression, and borderline personality disorder. I don't want to be in and out of hospitals. I don't want to go to therapy twice a week. I want to be able to handle the daily grind of life and not crumple under its weight. I don't want to feel, well, worthless.

But in the midst of all that, I realize I do have so much to be thankful for. Even basic things, like a home to live in, food to eat, my amazing little family, my dog and cats. The freedom of living in this country, with all the good and the bad that comes with that. Safety from people who try to hurt me. Friends who will go out of their way to help me and let me know they're there for me. Family and friends who invest in my daughter and love her like their own child.

It's easy to forget how blessed I am. Although being content doesn't mean I'm not depressed (that's like comparing apples to oranges), I really do have so much.

I have an amazing husband, and I'm beyond thankful for him. This man has stood by my side through thick and thin. As he once jokingly put it, "If I were going to leave your ass, I would've done it long ago." And really, I've never doubted his love ever since. He is so patient, loving and caring with me, and he truly exhibits the unconditional love that 1 Corinthians 13 talks about. He is my soul mate, my best friend, and I'm so thankful I get to experience the ups and downs of life with this man.

Our wedding day. And look, I even let someone curl my hair!

Would you still love me if my face froze like this?

Our first date

I mean, we'd only known each other for only a few months, and he stayed up all night at the barn with me because my horse had colicked and I needed to walk her and not let her roll until she pooped. That right there folks is true love.

I haven't kept it a secret that my incredible daughter is my reason for living, for wanting to become emotionally healthy, for fighting so hard when I'm ready to give up. From the moment I discovered I was growing a little person inside me, the first time I heard her heartbeat, when I found out I was having a girl, my life changed forever.

And the first time I heard her cry, the first time I saw her, the first time I held her in my arms -- I can't even begin to explain the feeling of love and responsibility that threatened to make my heart explode.

First time I touched her.

Family of three!

First time I held her

She wouldn't let go of my finger.

We were both so exhausted.

God gave her to me when He knew I truly needed her.

No one will ever know the depth of my love for you. You're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.

I'm not perfect to look at, and I'm not perfect to love, but I'm perfectly her mother.

I'm so blessed with amazing parents. They did everything they could to make sure my brother and I had the best childhood possible. They've supported me as an adult and let me forge my way into adulthood without being pushy. They've always been there when I needed them, even dropping everything they were doing and coming down to South Carolina when I fractured and dislocated my ankle and was having seizures. I've never once doubted their love for me, and I hope that I can be half the parent that they were to me.

The first time my mom held me -- at the airport when they picked me up from my flight from Korea.

Collage I made for my dad

My brother and I are 22 months apart. We had our typical sibling fights growing up, but my brother is my best friend. I know I can always talk to him if I need to, and he has a heart of gold. He is currently serving in the military, and I couldn't be a prouder big sister (although he is almost a foot taller than I am).

He's probably going to kill me for posting these . . .

At the first class ball, when he graduated from the Coast Guard Academy

My animals are such good therapy for me. Our Great Dane, Miso, is the gentlest, sweetest dog, and she's so good with Allie. Wem, Muffintop (aka Fat Cat), More Kitty Cat, and Prince Charming Tooter Rooter Cocoa Water are the best cats in the world. 

Best friends.

Snuggling with Miso and Fat Cat

Princess karaoke!

Girls' night

This is embarrassing

My caretaker when I fractured my leg and dislocated my ankle

The adventures of Meatball and Slim

Sweet More Kitty Cat

Hi, I'm More Kitty Cat, and I like warm hugs.

Silly cat

More Kitty Cat and Wem

Not what I expected to find when I opened the doors of my laundry closet

Oh Muttsy . . .

Call me a crazy cat (and dog) lady, but I love my fluffies.

Allie and Tooters drinking from the sink

Tooters is mesmerized by the coffee percolating.

I couldn't have gotten through the past three years without my amazing doctor and therapists. My OB-GYN Dr. Tiffany Rhodes delivered Allie, and she's been there for me as a doctor and a dear friend for the past four years.

Tiffany and I after the March of Dimes -- I was so excited that she walked with our Team Bitty to honor my daughter.

My therapist for over three years, Dana, has literally saved my life twice. She is the first person I was able to open up to about several things in my life and she has helped me through so much over the past three years. I wouldn't be where I am in my healing journey without her.

The other therapist on my treatment team, Bailey, has taught me skills that have helped me so much, and she is one of the kindest, funniest people I know. My outpatient therapist at the hospital, Heidi, is just amazing, and I can't say enough good things about her. And my new DBT therapist, Kim, is so genuine and caring, and goes beyond and above to help me. 

I am so blessed to have all these amazing women in my life.

My physical therapist, Jessica, has become a dear friend of mine as well. She has the most tender heart and is one of the sweetest, kindest people I know. I love her to death.

I can't find my "normal" picture that I have with her, but here we are at Halloween. :)

One of my best friends, Julie, and I hit it off from pretty much the minute we met each other. Our family and their family just clicked, and it's like we've all known each other forever. Julie and her boyfriend Chris are Allie's godparents, and they love her like she was their own. Their little boy Drake is only four days younger than Allie, and the two of them have grown up together. Every time I've been in the hospital, Julie and Chris have without fail done whatever they could to help, from picking up Allie at daycare (she and Drake go to the same daycare) and keeping her until Justin got off work, to making sure both Justin and Allie had plenty of food to eat in my absence. I couldn't ask for better friends.

This is how Asians celebrate Thanksgiving.

Chris, Drake, Allie and me

So excited about their prizes at the Japanese Bon Festival

Priceless

Two moist owlettes

They were playing 'family.'

One of the most important things to a parent is peace of mind that they're kid is being well taken care of. Allie goes to an in-home daycare, and Mrs. Amber is absolutely the best, hands down. She really invests in the kids' lives. She does circle time with them. She teaches them things, as well as plays with them. She takes them on field trips to the pumpkin patch, apple picking, a visit to the dentist to learn about brushing their teeth, to the zoo, to the Children's Museum, swimming during the summer. And not only is Mrs. Amber the best daycare lady in the world, but she's also an amazing friend.

Dress like a cow day at Chick-fil-A

Explaining to Allie and Paxton why they shouldn't spray air freshener all over the room. She's so patient with them.

I have the best in-laws. My mother and father in law are the best ever, and my aunt, uncle and cousins are awesome. I know a lot of people who fight constantly and don't get along with their in-laws, and I am very fortunate that I get along with mine and love them to death. They are my family, and I couldn't ask for better in-laws.

My mom (Oo-ah) and my MIL (Ooma) with Allie

My FIL (Doodad) and my dad (PopPop) with Allie.

family reunion

The yearly vacation to Edisto

Caucasians wear chopsticks.
Asians wear forks.

My godparents, Aunt Carolyn and Uncle Paul, are my second parents. They have always told me that I'm the daughter they never had. And they treat me like their own daughter. My godmother is the most soft-spoken, gentle, caring woman in the world, and my godfather is the most genuine, hilarious, truly kind man in the world. I know I can go to them about anything, and they've always been there for me my entire life.

And this is barely scratching the surface of all the blessings I am thankful for. God has abundantly blessed me, and most of all, I am thankful for my salvation through his son Jesus Christ and the promise that I will live with him in eternity.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.